How to Kill a Bug

I remind people often that I didn't vote for women's liberation. All that nonsense occured before I was of voting age. My common response is "I am not, 'I am women hear me roar' but I'm 'I am woman, get my door.'" Thank you Ms. Feminist for removing my rights as Queen. After all the poor men were brainwashed that we women didn't need them, I became of age to date and they were too scared to commit.

I joke that I am not as independent of a woman as I seem - I just play one on TV. Desperate times call for desperate actions. And, when one of those "boy jobs" appear, I have to put my man pants on and do it.

Surely, I'm not alone. I know many single women who are surviving in the world alone - not by choice, but by God's Design - and need some support and assistance with those less than appealing tasks, such as killing bugs.

I don't like bugs. I may not like their creepy crawliness ways, but I'm also not so weak that I scream bloody murder the moment I see one. I've lived long enough to know, I'm bigger than him and as my Dad always told me, "Hey, they don't eat much." But, since I'm not the "hunter" but the "nurturer" I don't prefer murdering bugs. Not because I'm Tom Cruise and think it's my reincarnated great great great Grandfather, John Wilkes Booth coming back to assasinate Bin Laden, but because it's frankly icky. The killing part is kind of fun. Taking a whack at a bug does release some pent up anger. But then you have to clean up the bug guts - ewww. And some of those critters are hard to whack because their 100 legs make them move pretty doggone fast.

So, for all of you out there who would like a step by step in killing bugs, keep reading.
1. When you see a bug, don't scream, run through the house or stand on a chair. The sound of the scream or running through the house could cause him to scurry. And, standing on a chair makes it a bit difficult to dispose of the small animal.
2. Calmly walk to your bathroom and grab a can of hairspray. Ladies, we all should have at least one can of that stuff in our house.
3. Take the can, aim at the bug and shoot. He'll either freeze from suffocation from the fumes or be so sticky he can't move from the spot. Either way, you now have the upper hand.
4. Once he's immobilized, you can whack at him, put him out of his misery and enclose him in the nearest paper towel.
5. Take the mummified bug and dispose of him in your toilet. One good flush and there is no worry of him resurrecting out of your trash can and terrorizing you in the middle of the night.
6. Wash off the crime scene. Hairspray is sticky and you want to remove all evidence that you had to slay that bug with assistance from Pantene.

I had a teacher in 3rd grade who helped me off with my jacket one time when the zipper got stuck. She yanked it over my head and said, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." And, ladies, there's more than one way to kill a bug.