Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Top Five Insignificant Things That are Significantly Annoying

5. When walking into an elevator, there is no universal location for elevator buttons. Every time I walk into an elevator, if I turn the left, they are located on the right and vice versa - all while the elevator door is closing on me.

4. No bathroom paper towel holder dispenses just one paper towel. Either a small corner is ripped off, requiring you to pull another complete towel, or multiple towels come out at the same time.

3. Whether you retrieve ice from the freezer or the door of your fridge, inevitably one cube will fall to the floor. To avoid this as much as possible, I keep my door ice on the "crush" setting at all times - then only small pieces hit the floor.

2. Radio traffic reports. Who was the genius that decided that traffic reports on the radio start without any intro other than a conglomeration of screeching sirens and honking horns? Even a short, "And now for the traffic report..." to forewarn me would be helpful. It catches me off guard every time and I hit my brakes or jump expecting to be hit by another vehicle. And, to top it off, the reports are always wrong - I have been at the exact location of a reported traffic jam and it's smooth sailing, yet been in the midst of standstill traffic that I never heard about on the radio.

1. People who can't breathe without the cell phone to their ear. People walk, drive, and carry on with life all while holding a cell phone to their ear and chatting with someone. If I had a criminal mind, I'd hit all these well-distracted folks who obviously have little concern with their surroundings. And, to make the streets more dangerous, they migrate to their cars, continuing on the phone. If you are that popular, let me introduce you to BlueTooth Technology.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

How to Kill a Bug

I remind people often that I didn't vote for women's liberation. All that nonsense occured before I was of voting age. My common response is "I am not, 'I am women hear me roar' but I'm 'I am woman, get my door.'" Thank you Ms. Feminist for removing my rights as Queen. After all the poor men were brainwashed that we women didn't need them, I became of age to date and they were too scared to commit.

I joke that I am not as independent of a woman as I seem - I just play one on TV. Desperate times call for desperate actions. And, when one of those "boy jobs" appear, I have to put my man pants on and do it.

Surely, I'm not alone. I know many single women who are surviving in the world alone - not by choice, but by God's Design - and need some support and assistance with those less than appealing tasks, such as killing bugs.

I don't like bugs. I may not like their creepy crawliness ways, but I'm also not so weak that I scream bloody murder the moment I see one. I've lived long enough to know, I'm bigger than him and as my Dad always told me, "Hey, they don't eat much." But, since I'm not the "hunter" but the "nurturer" I don't prefer murdering bugs. Not because I'm Tom Cruise and think it's my reincarnated great great great Grandfather, John Wilkes Booth coming back to assasinate Bin Laden, but because it's frankly icky. The killing part is kind of fun. Taking a whack at a bug does release some pent up anger. But then you have to clean up the bug guts - ewww. And some of those critters are hard to whack because their 100 legs make them move pretty doggone fast.

So, for all of you out there who would like a step by step in killing bugs, keep reading.
1. When you see a bug, don't scream, run through the house or stand on a chair. The sound of the scream or running through the house could cause him to scurry. And, standing on a chair makes it a bit difficult to dispose of the small animal.
2. Calmly walk to your bathroom and grab a can of hairspray. Ladies, we all should have at least one can of that stuff in our house.
3. Take the can, aim at the bug and shoot. He'll either freeze from suffocation from the fumes or be so sticky he can't move from the spot. Either way, you now have the upper hand.
4. Once he's immobilized, you can whack at him, put him out of his misery and enclose him in the nearest paper towel.
5. Take the mummified bug and dispose of him in your toilet. One good flush and there is no worry of him resurrecting out of your trash can and terrorizing you in the middle of the night.
6. Wash off the crime scene. Hairspray is sticky and you want to remove all evidence that you had to slay that bug with assistance from Pantene.

I had a teacher in 3rd grade who helped me off with my jacket one time when the zipper got stuck. She yanked it over my head and said, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." And, ladies, there's more than one way to kill a bug.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's Easier to Be Struck by Lightning...

There is a statistic that was recently debated as false that it is easier to be hit by lightning or attacked by a terrorist than to get married over the age of 40. I first remember hearing that stat in the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" but it was apparently based on an actual study. In recent weeks, after revisiting those that compiled the study, it was revealed that those numbers are false.

Although I've not been personally touched by a terrorist, it's evident that we've all felt the pain of 9/11. And, most of us could go six degrees through our connections and touch someone who was directly affected by that horrible day. So, maybe that event alone has swayed the study statistics. I have great friends from high school that were directly connected to 9/11 - one of them being a 9/11 survivor from the Pentagon and his wife, who to this day shudders at the recollection of that frightful day.

So, on to the next statistic....being struck by lightning. This is not a very common occurance, and so, I can understand the correlation between lightning strikes and marriage after 40. Sadly, since I am over 40, it's not an encouraging thing to think about. Well, I've now proven that statistic as truth.

About a month or so ago, the Spring thunderstorm season started around these parts. We've seen our share of tornadoes and strong storms, and I've been very blessed to have been passed over. But, earlier in May, I wasn't. Oddly, my house was struck - but a random act of striking. One of my cable boxes was hit, my DSL modem, and my caller ID box. Thankfully my TV and DVD player hooked to that cable box were fine. And, even more importantly, the computer was unharmed. The harshest hit, the one that somewhat freaked me out, was the hit in my enclosed patio room. My Dad actually found this one when window cleaners came to my house. As they moved the blinds, they noticed a melted spot, and then a black mark on the carpet in the corner. Even an innocent folding chair got in the bolt's crossfire and now has a tatoo on it's backside. Thankfully no fires occured and everything is fixable or replaceable.

Leave it to me to be able to be struck by lightning rather than get married.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Long Way Home

Last weekend I attended a singles retreat with my church. The location of the retreat was about 30 minutes north of Louisville in a lovely, secluded wooded area of Indiana. It was probably the most low stress, drama free retreats I've ever been on, which makes my first experience so enjoyable, I'm anxious to go back.

When we pulled out of there on Saturday afternoon, the weather was gorgeous and I looked forward to the drive home. I was so involved in the drive that I missed a turn and took a few more country roads than I had originally planned. But, after getting back on track, my car had found its way to the highway and headed for the bridge that would take me back to Kentucky. It was one of those days that you wanted to drive forever. I probably could have if I hadn't been so sleep-deprived from the weekend of fun. Even though I wasn't as perky of a driver, I felt the need to take "the long way home."

My Mom has been gone almost six years, which is hard to fathom at times. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, miss her, or remember something she said or taught me. My Mom was notorious for her sayings and commentary - what a lot of folks miss about her. God has been gracious and has brought back to me "new memories" - those that were somewhere in the depths of my heart and soul, yet I hadn't thought of them in years. Like a sweet piece of peppermint candy, I'll savor those memories as long as they last and enjoy the refreshing aftertaste that keep that memory alive. A few weeks ago I had one of those moments and relived it this weekend.

I grew up in the south end of Louisville, yet we would drive to the east end of town to shop, eat, or run errands. Mom and I loved to go shop - mostly at craft stores - and then go try out the newest restaurant in town. Once we would be ready to head home, Mom would proclaim, "Let's take the long way home." I loved those words. That phrase meant that instead of hopping on the highway that would take us home in 15-20 minutes, we would take the scenic route. In Louisville, that meant driving through old Bardstown Road, the Highlands, up beautiful Eastern Parkway and around to the area of town where we lived. Mom would tell stories, point out significant landmarks, and laugh as we talked about almost anything. When I was younger and we'd be leaving one of our day excursions, I'd hold my breath hoping Mom would say those six wonderful words, "let's take the long way home." I could almost always count on her saying it every time.

As I drove home on Saturday, I relived that moment, but this time, by myself, and headed to the southeastern end of town where I live now. I reflected on how much Mom would have loved taking that "long way home" and as I traversed through new areas of town, I reminisced about memories that I have in those areas, much like my Mom did for me. The trip was complete as I stopped off at a local craft store to buy some yarn for a project I'm working on. There was a time when I rebelled against the statement, "You are just like your Mom." Now, I live for it. Thanks, Mom, for teaching me the joy in taking the long way home.