Tuesday, June 20, 2006

How to Kill a Bug

I remind people often that I didn't vote for women's liberation. All that nonsense occured before I was of voting age. My common response is "I am not, 'I am women hear me roar' but I'm 'I am woman, get my door.'" Thank you Ms. Feminist for removing my rights as Queen. After all the poor men were brainwashed that we women didn't need them, I became of age to date and they were too scared to commit.

I joke that I am not as independent of a woman as I seem - I just play one on TV. Desperate times call for desperate actions. And, when one of those "boy jobs" appear, I have to put my man pants on and do it.

Surely, I'm not alone. I know many single women who are surviving in the world alone - not by choice, but by God's Design - and need some support and assistance with those less than appealing tasks, such as killing bugs.

I don't like bugs. I may not like their creepy crawliness ways, but I'm also not so weak that I scream bloody murder the moment I see one. I've lived long enough to know, I'm bigger than him and as my Dad always told me, "Hey, they don't eat much." But, since I'm not the "hunter" but the "nurturer" I don't prefer murdering bugs. Not because I'm Tom Cruise and think it's my reincarnated great great great Grandfather, John Wilkes Booth coming back to assasinate Bin Laden, but because it's frankly icky. The killing part is kind of fun. Taking a whack at a bug does release some pent up anger. But then you have to clean up the bug guts - ewww. And some of those critters are hard to whack because their 100 legs make them move pretty doggone fast.

So, for all of you out there who would like a step by step in killing bugs, keep reading.
1. When you see a bug, don't scream, run through the house or stand on a chair. The sound of the scream or running through the house could cause him to scurry. And, standing on a chair makes it a bit difficult to dispose of the small animal.
2. Calmly walk to your bathroom and grab a can of hairspray. Ladies, we all should have at least one can of that stuff in our house.
3. Take the can, aim at the bug and shoot. He'll either freeze from suffocation from the fumes or be so sticky he can't move from the spot. Either way, you now have the upper hand.
4. Once he's immobilized, you can whack at him, put him out of his misery and enclose him in the nearest paper towel.
5. Take the mummified bug and dispose of him in your toilet. One good flush and there is no worry of him resurrecting out of your trash can and terrorizing you in the middle of the night.
6. Wash off the crime scene. Hairspray is sticky and you want to remove all evidence that you had to slay that bug with assistance from Pantene.

I had a teacher in 3rd grade who helped me off with my jacket one time when the zipper got stuck. She yanked it over my head and said, "There's more than one way to skin a cat." And, ladies, there's more than one way to kill a bug.

16 comments:

Katrina said...

Hair spray! Genius! Even though I'm married, I, too, have had my share of bug encounters when I'm home alone. It's never pretty. My biggest fear is that when I go to swat the bug, it will jump on me, enraged and hissing.

This isn't a totally irrational fear. The jumping spiders in the area where I grew up are legendary, and can jump up to three feet. I used to have nightmares about them.

I think I'll definitely try the hair spray trick next time!

Twinkie said...

I am a master at killing bugs, although sometimes I scream the whole time I'm doing it. Here's a tip for killing a really big or nasty bug (like a cave cricket) that can see you coming:

Step 1: Stand near the bug and hold an old phone book over it
Step 2: Drop phone book on bug
(Optional Step 2b: If necessary, stand on phone book and bounce to ensure death of bug)
Step 3: Wipe phone book and floor off with a bathroom wipe.
Step 4: Store old phone book in floor of closet for easy access next time you see a big'un.

Voila.

RosieBoo said...

Katrina,

Mousse can work too, but it's a bit more messy and you lose the bug in the mousse pile..making another fear that he'll rise up from the foam...

Twinkie,

A phone book! Genious! I get like 3 of those a week...I'll keep one specifically for bug killin'

Anonymous said...

Rose,

Before we renovated our bathroom at our house in Louisville, bugs used to get in there all the time! Sometimes I would look down and there one would be while I was in the shower!!!! In every instance, I completely drowned the thing in shampoo. Who knew that hair care products could be so handy?

Amy Whitfield

Lorie said...

And what ingenious points about feminism, too... :)

SheThinker said...

"I am not, 'I am women hear me roar' but I'm 'I am woman, get my door.'"

That's another quote for the Facebook.
I was actually talking to Tory about this not long ago. We both want to be able to stay home and raise our children if we get married. But thanks to the feminists, that's no longer the norm, so it's going to take more effort on our part to convince our husbands that it's right for us to stay home instead of putting our kids in daycare or something. Not that I don't think I won't be be able to convince him, but it'll take effort. And I'm not a huge fan of putting forth effort when I don't need to.

My way of killing bugs is to tell Daddy, and when he laughs at me, I just use his shoe so there's bug guts on it... Especially the crickets that seem to always be in the basement.

So I hear you've been telling Beth Blackwell good thing about me. She cornered me last night at the reception for Dr. Butler and told me he'd heard good things. Whenever Beth starts a sentance with "Hey, Robards..." it's never a good thing. She usually wants something, or wants ot embarrass me in some way.

Oh yeah, FYI- Tory's mom came through her hip replacement surgery just fine. She'll be in the hospital for a few more days, but all seems to be going well so far.

Shell said...

I completely identify. My solution is to use my vacuum cleaner nozzle attachment - thereby providing me with a safe distance. The suction kills the critter and then you just dispose of the vacuum cleaner bag. It's especially helpful for the things that fly.

RosieBoo said...

Lorie,

Yes, I like to get my feminism analysis out there whenever I can. :)

Rebekah,

In short, I've told Beth "Rebekah Rocks." Glad to hear Tory's Mom is doing good! And, it's probably best you postponed your trip since a monsoon is hitting DC at the moment.

Shell,

Hmm, I'll pull out the sweeper the next time and try that one!

RosieBoo said...

Amy,

I'll add shampoo to the list of bug killers too. :)

I miss you!!

The Muttering Muse said...

But what if its one of those jumping spiders? And what if he jumps before I can spray him? Shudder.

Gawd I am such a whoosie, lol.


Kestrel

Denny Burk said...

Rose, you are the man! Greatness!

Jules said...

You are the bomb, little woman!!! "I am woman, get my door!" Did you borrow that, or come up with that yourself!?!" CLASSIC!! I need that on a bumper sticker...along with the actual bumper sticker I saw last week that said, "visualize whirled peas." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Love it!

BTW--at least you don't have frogs...there was a tree frog in the bathroom last week while we were in Florida! Eeeeeeeeee!!!!!! The Colonel took care of it, thank the Lord!!! He didn't squash it, but he did capture it and released it to "the wild." (my parents' yard actually...) It was small, but they have those "sucker feet" that will latch onto anything...even a mirror! Yuck!)

Karen said...

hairspray really works. I tried it on a wasp. When I sprayed at it, the wasp fell down to the floor, but was still alive. I stepped on it and carefully twisted it under my shoe.

Anonymous said...

Sexy women. Glad I'm not a bug near you!

Pamela Jones said...

does this work on all bugs? my big problem is roaches. i can squish most bugs with a tissue but not roaches.

RosieBoo said...

Yes, this does work on roaches as well! It works on any bug!